President Agent Orange attempted to pull the United States out of the Paris Climate Accords.
Cruella Betsy DeVille DeVos wants to nuke our already bombed out public education system instead of repairing it. And Marie Antoinette Melania Trump sits in her gold-plated ivory tower in New York City, happy to be away from tiny hands while her freakishly sharp and vacant eyes scream "Let them eat cake" as rumors circulate about Melania Trump having an affair.
American playwright and science fiction author, Monica Byrne spilled the unverified tea about the First
Hostage Lady having an affair with Tiffany & Co.'s head of security. Byrne won't reveal her source, but says she wants journalists to dig into it. Until it's verified, it's all rumor and speculation. But it's such a juicy rumor that would explain a lot—if proven true.
People have been speculating for quite some time about Melania and 45's marriage, often to the tune of Melania being unhappy and being held hostage. Whenever the couple are in public together, there is at least one tweet calling for Melania to blink if she's being held against her will. Then, in more recent weeks, there was the brush-off seen around the world--Melania swatted away Trump's attempt to hold her hand—not once, but twice!
Unnamed sources close to the family also leaked to US Weekly that when Melania and Donald do sleep under the same roof, they sleep in separate rooms. Melania or someone handling her official Twitter account, even liked a tweet by Andy Ostroy lambasting her marriage.
In addition to her reported unhappiness, news of Melania Trump having an affair kind of does make sense...right? The rumored, tax payer-funded side piece, looks remarkably better than President Little Twitterfingers and could explain why Melania opted to give FLOTUS Michelle Obama a gift from Tiffany's.
Again, until it's proven, it's all rumor, but a juicy rumor it is! Being the arm accessory to verify President Insecurity's virility throughout their marriage can be incredibly boring job, with being humiliated and enduring objectification, a la that cringeworthy Howard Stern interview.
But this is the life Melania chose. Either way, it's like a horrible train wreck you just can't avoid watching.
Update: Monica Byrne has removed all mention of her accusation of Melania Trump having an affair. But screenshots are everywhere.